It's funny cuz it's true!

[brdgt]

Stuff White People Like #100 - Bumper Stickers

It is a fact that white people will never turn down an opportunity to enlighten other people on the correct way to think. While this is very easy to do through email or face to face conversation, it is exceptionally difficult to do while driving a car. Fortunately for white people there is a solution that is both popular and ineffective: bumper stickers.

Before talking about the types of bumper stickers that white people like, it’s very important to get an understanding about layout and placement. When a white person drives an older car (6+ years old) that has a resale value under $2000, they will coat the entire backside of the car in bumper stickers. Because of the abundance of space they are free to include stickers from all areas of white support: music, politics, the environment, insults to right wing politicians, and various movements that tell people to keep a city “weird.”

But when white people have a nice new car such as a Prius or an Audi station wagon, the fear of losing resale value prevents them from applying more than one sticker. Therefore that one sticker must properly capture the essence of the car and the political views of the driver.

The safest and most accepted choice for a sticker is always one that supports a Democratic Presidential candidate (Ralph Nader is an acceptable substitute). As of February 2008, white law requires an Obama 08 bumper sticker to be placed on the back of every Prius. Though these stickers reach peak effectiveness during an election year, it is acceptable to leave this sticker on the car until the next election regardless of whether or not the candidate actually won. If it’s a disputed election like in 2000, the sticker can be left on for the life of the car.

If a white person does not feel like supporting a candidate, they will likely select a bumper sticker that tells other people what to do. Some popular ones include telling people to Coexist and to stop eating meat.

Though there is no conclusive evidence about the effectiveness of these stickers, white people show no signs of abandoning the campaign. In fact, there is a popular tale in white mythology that tells of an unenlightened man driving on the freeway who saw a bumper sticker on the back of a Subaru station wagon that said “Go Veg.” The sticker was so moving that he threw the hamburger he was eating right out the window and became a vegetarian on the spot. Two days later, he affixed the same bumper sticker to their car and the process began anew until enough people had changed their views to form what we now know as the city of Portland, Oregon.

The only other acceptable sticker option for white people is the white oval country tag sticker used commonly in Europe to help identify cars that cross international borders. Though they actually serve a function in Europe, white people use the stickers to show people where they like to take vacations. If you know a white person with one of these stickers, it’s always a good idea to ask them about where they got the sticker. Your question will justify the presence of the sticker and make the white person feel great.

If you have decided that you want to improve your status with white people by applying a bumper sticker to your car do not make the assumption that you can just use anything! Stickers that support right wing politics, guns, patriotism, war, or hunting are all unacceptable. It is also unacceptable to use a sticker with a clever slogan that does not support a left wing political cause. Any of these stickers will likely end any chance you had of befriending a white person.

Note: attaching a yellow magnetic ribbon to the back of your car will result in being shunt from some of the stricter white communities and should avoided at all costs.

Comments

makestickers.com

[huskarl.livejournal.com]

I used to be lost looking for the right message.

With today's real-time remote design and fabrication technology, now I'm lost looking for the right layout...

Make Stickers (http://www.makestickers.com/display.aspx?cat=71)

there are other sites at which you can make the oval stickers. I had thought about just a blank white oval with a crack.

[dlightful.livejournal.com]

When a white person drives an older car (6+ years old) that has a resale value under $2000, they will coat the entire backside of the car in bumper stickers.
Someone's been spying on me and my 1992 Honda that I paid $1800 for! (Although they were all from the previous owner. I personally have not added any bumper stickers...yet.) Do I qualify for a special level of whitey-ness for putting bumper stickers on my bike?

[brdgt.livejournal.com]

Yes, I do believe that is meta-white.

[schmecky.livejournal.com]

I am always on the lookout for decals, rather than stickers. I don't know why there aren't more of them. The only stickers I have are the ones that allow my latte-sippin' Prius to ride in the carpool lane.

My decal history - not like you asked... I had one from the all-Beatles-all-the-time AM station, until the gays got a hold of it and made it all-show-tunes. I have a 'Carnegie Mellon Alumni' decal, and a 'W' with a slash through it (which I am looking forward to no longer needing.) And the 'Eat My Voltage' decal that came with the car.

Just this week I was considering getting a bumper sticker of the saying, "Uncertainly is uncomfortable. Certainty is Ridiculous." But then I realized thet either a) people won't get it because they're not thinking deep thoughts while driving, or b) they'll start thinking deep thoughts and then rear end me. So nevermind.

[brdgt.livejournal.com]

See - you're breaking the rules of white people bumper stickers - "uncertainly is uncomfortable. Certainty is Ridiculous" is a deep thought, not an attempt to convince someone of your beliefs!

[schmecky.livejournal.com]

That's true. I have no interest in the bossy bumper stickers. Just the expressive ones.

And then I inevitably decide I don't want strangers knowing that much about me.

[ex-hellocth126.livejournal.com]

Yep, my 99 Jeep is plastered in 'em. Still got the Kerry/Edwards one from last election; I'm holding off on an Obama one until he gets a running mate.

My favorites, though are the blood-red picture of Dubya with "War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength" on it, and the "One Nation Under Voldemort" one. Both of those I designed myself =)

One of the things I am looking forward to about getting a new car sometime in the next couple years is spending a delightful weekend decorating the back of it =)

[brdgt.livejournal.com]

So, you don't just want to push white people's beliefs on people - but one white person's beliefs ;p

[ex-hellocth126.livejournal.com]

At least my fictional magical dude who came back from the dead and wants to rule the world was actually white to begin with, instead of being co-opted and re-designed to be more Euro-friendly =p

[wheniamlaughing.livejournal.com]

I love "One nation under Voldemort"! that is awesome!

I started referring to an ex-friend of mine as "he who shall not be named". I love HP references.

[lagizma.livejournal.com]

I hated those white country stickers, which were huge in New England in the late 1990's. I've never seen one in CA.

That being said, I have about five bumper stickers on my own car. :)

[brdgt.livejournal.com]

I hate this one in particular:

[lagizma.livejournal.com]

What a flashback! I had forgotten when those were ALL THE RAGE.

[antarcticlust.livejournal.com]

I want to get a VT one my future car. It's kind of a nice way of letting people know you have a tie to a place even though your current state license plate from somewhere else.

My first car in high school was plastered with dozens of bumper stickers. As a grown-up, my Mazda just had a little square one that said "Take Back the Trail", which is in memory of all the women who have been assaulted and/or murdered on hiking trails.

[brdgt.livejournal.com]

SWPL needs to add a "Vermont" entry...

[antarcticlust.livejournal.com]

You should suggest one! And we could get them started on "leaves," and "second homes (and McDonald's!) that look like Swiss Chateaus," and "quaint rural poverty."

[brdgt.livejournal.com]

Unrelated, but they also need to add "vinyl records" and "saabs."

[monkeyhouse.livejournal.com]

that reminds me - i saw the dumbest bumper sticker placement last night on a gas-chugging Escalade. it said:


do you think they were being ironic?

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

Worse - I saw an SUV with a bumper sticker that said: I ♥ MY CARBON FOOTPRINT.

[emily-hahn.livejournal.com]

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

I'm very excited to discover that 'real' white people are upper/middle class liberals. I always had a sneaking suspicion that Republicans were really [insert offensive racial moniker here].

[brdgt.livejournal.com]

Well, rednecks, hillbillies, and most ethnic minorities have always been suspect as actually white...

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

I was surprised to learn in my Soc class that really only WASPs were "white" and other "whites" like Italians and Irish weren't considered "white."

[brdgt.livejournal.com]

The "three legs of social history" - gender, race, and class - have all become much more complex in the past few decades. Gender does not equal women, race does not equal black and class does not equal income.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

One of the things I really loved about my soc class was exactly that - while dealing with labels and identifiable groups, it seemed to be working to undermine those labels.

[cognative.livejournal.com]

Within any group the 'real' ones are the ones that fit (and thus confirm) the exagerated stereotype. Liberals, conversatives, women, white people, etc.

[jackshoegazer.livejournal.com]

I know. It saddens me evermore that I am not white because I eat chimichangas and I am not a man because I don't denigrate women :(

[notsosupergirl.livejournal.com]

hahaha

[cognative.livejournal.com]

I *hate* bumperstickers. I guess that makes up for me liking sushi.

Score one for me.

[elizawrites.livejournal.com]

I laughed and laughed. We don't have any bumper stickers, but that's not for my lack of trying. Mr Hay isn't having it.

[dersteinkauz.livejournal.com]

Two days later, he affixed the same bumper sticker to their car and the process began anew until enough people had changed their views to form what we now know as the city of Portland, Oregon.

Amazing. As a Portlander, I can attest that the aforementioned people have now evolved into wearing "I <3 hunting accidents" buttons to support their veganism. Some have moved on to working at the vegan pirate-themed restaurant where servers with straight-edge vegan tattoos greet you with a "yarrr."

[brdgt.livejournal.com]

That part was my favorite! I thought my PDX friends would appreciate it.

[rubysnow.livejournal.com]

Though you don't seem nearly as many bumper stickers here as in the US, those damn yellow ribbons are all over the place here now. Even our city buses have them! In Regina, Saskatchewan! What?

[antarcticlust.livejournal.com]

Haha! I just bought you a bumper sticker yesterday as a souvenir (even though you don't have a car for it, I couldn't resist this particular one). :)

[brdgt.livejournal.com]

Can't wait :)

[wheniamlaughing.livejournal.com]

Finally something on SWPL that doesn't fit me! I never put bumper stickers on my car, not even my 11 year old Mazda that I drove in college.

that cracked me up though.

[ljgeoff.livejournal.com]

So, here via badgerbag and just got 7 new bumperstickers for the '89 Festiva that I'm picking up in Green Bay on my way home from WisCon. *snort*

[brdgt.livejournal.com]

Well - you are white!