Fear of a Female Planet

Inspired by a recent conversation with loreofcure I've been thinking about how one of the things about planning a second wedding after divorce is realizing how our culture is so ashamed of divorce.

People seem shocked that I happily admit that I've done this all before - should I sound bitter? Should I pretend it didn't happen? Should I pretend that I'm not infinitely happier now and that divorce was ultimately a good thing for me?

Half of American marriages end in divorce - why do we pretend like it doesn't happen?

It would be healthier if we were less ashamed and more proud - that experience made me who I am and I'm happier with myself than I've ever been. Why should I be ashamed of surviving that, learning from it, and being more sure of myself and what I want from a relationship?



Also, god help me if someone buys us picture frames as a wedding gift.

Reminds me of this story that I posted a while back...

But today, married women are more likely to spend late hours at the office and travel on business. And even for women who stay home, cellphones, e-mail and instant messaging appear to be allowing them to form more intimate relationships, marriage therapists say. Dr. Frank Pittman, an Atlanta psychiatrist who specializes in family crisis and couples therapy, says he has noticed more women talking about affairs centered on “electronic” contact.

“I see a changing landscape in which the emphasis is less on the sex than it is on the openness and intimacy and the revelation of secrets,” said Dr. Pittman, the author of “Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy” (Norton, 1990). “Everybody talks by cellphone and the relationship evolves because you become increasingly distant from whomever you lie to, and you become increasingly close to whomever you tell the truth to.”

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Text Messages: Digital Lipstick on the Collar
By LAURA M. HOLSON, The New York Times, December 9, 2009

There is a question that has crossed the mind recently of anyone who has sent a cellphone text message while cheating on a spouse: What was I thinking?

Text messages are the new lipstick on the collar, the mislaid credit card bill. Instantaneous and seemingly casual, they can be confirmation of a clandestine affair, a record of the not-so-discreet who sometimes forget that everything digital leaves a footprint.

This became painfully obvious a week ago when a woman who claims to have had an affair with Tiger Woods told a celebrity publication that he had sent her flirty text messages, some of which were published. It follows on the heels of politicians who ran afoul of text I.Q., including a former Detroit mayor who went to prison after his steamy text messages to an aide were revealed, and Senator John Ensign of Nevada, whose affair with a former employee was confirmed by an incriminating text message.

Unlike earlier eras when a dalliance might be suspected but not confirmed, nowadays text messages provide proof. Divorce lawyers say they have seen an increase in cases in the past year where a wronged spouse has offered text messages to show that a partner has strayed. The American Bar Association began offering seminars this fall for marital attorneys on how to use electronic evidence — text messages, browsing history and social networks — in proving a case.

“How does someone make up an excuse when what is happening is right there, written in black and white?” asked Mitchell Karpf, a Miami divorce lawyer who is also chairman of the bar association’s family law section. “By the time someone shows up with a handful of texts, there is no going back.”

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