brdgt | 10,000 BC

I am going to channel

alexeye and review 10,000 BC.

OK, first off - this has to be the funniest movie I've seen in a long time. See, we start off in the tundra (c. 10,000 BC), where a little tribe of mammoth hunters are experiencing the megafauna extinction. But, alas, in addition to this "four legged demons" come and enslave them! (why and how a bunch of Arabs riding modern horses with stirrups (not invented until c. 500 BC in Asia) and saddles (c. 800 BC in the Middle East) got all the way to Canada just to kidnap 10 dreadlocked mammoth hunters might be the first question you ask, but I was wondering where they got the metal manacles a good 9,000 years before the Iron Age.

A few of our poor tribesmembers survive and send off their three remaining hunters to get their people back (oh and there's some sort of love story between our hero and the tribes' prophesied savor, whose power derives from her blue eyes - you know, because white people always save brown people from themselves). They face the terrible "white rain" on their way to Mordor (see, in addition to ripping off plot devices from Lord of the Rings, the film suggests that people who live in the tundra do NOT have an independent word for snow, but rather use a modified word of something that doesn't happen in the tundra).

They finally make it out of the tundra and immediately step into the jungle, with no ecotone whatsoever. In fact, as they walk into the jungle and one characters says "I'm hot" you can literally see the snow covered mountains behind them. Then they get attacked by carnivorous ostriches who had been extinct for two million years - but hey, who am I to say what happened in this strange ecology of Canada/Africa/Egypt/Southeast Asia?

We get through the jungle to Africa, where our hero falls into a pit used to catch animals. It starts to rain and he realizes there is a saber tooth tiger in there with him! The poor kitty is trapped under some carefully hewn timber, so our hero SAYS TO THE CAT "Do not eat me when I save your life!" and sets the nice kitty free. Of course, the tiger just gives him a snarl and LEAVES HIM ALONE! Two minutes later, our heroes discover agriculture and a bunch of Kenyans, but are accepted by the tribe because the kitty shows up again, REMEMBERS our hero, and makes the Kenyans believe our hero is their hero (oh, and you might wonder how they can all talk to each other? See one of the mammoth hunters made this trip before and taught everyone his language - handy, no?).

The tribes of Africa and our mammoth hunters set off to bring down the EgyptioAztec empire that has been enslaving their people, chasing them through the desert, only to lose them when the Arab slave traders get on their BOATS and sail off to their city. Our heroes follow them through the desert, with the poor Africans dropping like flies, while the mammoth hunters figure out astronomy and they make it to the Lost City of Atlantis, where the EgytpioAztecs are using mammoths as pack animals (how they feed the slaves or the mammoths in the desert is not explained).

Needless to say, our hero starts a slave uprising, gets the mammoths to help out, and "three hundreds" the big bad guy. He gets the girl (who, of course, has not been raped during this whole ordeal), but she dies, but then she comes back to life, the Africans give them 10 seeds and they go back to the tundra and live happily ever after.

Oh! And I would be remiss to not point out the interracial, underage slash going on at the end of the film - there's something for everyone!

Best. Movie. Ever.