Stuff God Hates

[brdgt]

Now, we all know that "Stuff White People Like" is good for a few laughs, but I think they've been one upped...

Stuff God Hates:

#15: Science

In this entry I will focus on something that makes Me so mad, I just can’t even…say it…aargghh!! DAMN YOU SCIENCE! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

Whew…ok…I feel better now. I always feel a lot better after damning things I hate to hell. And I think this blog-therapy has really been paying off in My Temper lately. Like, a couple of hours ago I could’ve totally killed this dumb baby I hate, but I was like, whatevs! I’ll let it live. For now.

But back to the subject at hand – stupid damned pagan science!

I, the Lord your God, despise science and all things sciencey. Scientists, the scientific method, laboratories, lab rats, the periodic table, Bill Nye - they’re all going to hell when they die.

Facts, evidence, hypotheses - BAH! These things show a disturbing lack of faith in My Divine Wisdom.

I mean, the gall! The utter gall it takes for man to try to figure out the universe I created. I gotta say, it’s pretty galling!

Put yourself in My Position. Imagine you made your very own ant-farm. You designed it from top to bottom, filled it with ants, and set about the joy of watching them kill each other. And then what do your stupid ants do? Get all sciencey and stuck-up on you!

Ugh. I hate every last one of those smug, self-satisfied scientists. Think they’re so smart! You probably think they’re smart too. Smarter than Me even. Well you’re not gonna think they’re so smart after they accidentally blow up the planet this summer. Yup, you won’t be thinking much at all after that, because you’ll be dead.

Well anyway, there’s just not enough time for Me to discuss the many things I hate about science in this post. Just know that in general, I hate science.

It is dumb. Really, really, really, really dumb. And it’s never proven anything.

Other things God hates:
-foreskins
-losers who tried their best
-women
-anal
-cats
-too many questions
-being crucified

Comments

[tarpo.livejournal.com]

-losers who tried their best
-----------

I think you mixed up God with Sean Connery there

[brdgt.livejournal.com]

Or are they one in the same???

[tarpo.livejournal.com]

No.. Sean Connery is the Man now Dog.. Not the Man now God

[bibliofile.livejournal.com]

Right. Everyone KNOWS that James Mason is God.

(Love that site, BTW.)

[circularroom.livejournal.com]

does that mean god Doesn't hate gays? Cause I'm pretty sure the sign that one of those guys out on Library mall was holding totally said so. It also said god is not love. which is also evidenced in the 'God hates Patrick Swayze' comment. ;)

[brdgt.livejournal.com]

Well, he doesn't like anal, so maybe he still likes lesbians (well, some lesbians...)?

[brdgt.livejournal.com]

Ah yes, this entry clears it up:

You know, church leaders are always telling people I hate homosexuals. Not true.

“God hates fags!” they’ll say. “Look it up! It’s in the Bible! God killed every queer in Sodom and Gomorrah!”

While it’s true that technically, yes, I did turn everyone in those towns into ash, it’s only because there was this volcano I totally spaced on. Had absolutely nothing to do with the men there being gay.

On the contrary - I love homos! I love their music, their devotion to cleanliness, and their impeccable fashion sense. In fact, I have several gay friends. Two of the twelve apostles are gay. But not with each other.

So once and for all, let Me be as clear as I can on this:

I do not hate fags. I hate anal.

See the distinction there? I guess I could understand why people get confused. But be you gay or straight, if you do anal you face My Wrath.

Why you ask?

BECAUSE! That’s not what I made dicks for.

I designed the penis, ok? I created it. Me. And that means I get to decide how it gets used.

It’s simple. The penis is for going in (and out) of the vagina. And for peeing your name in the snow. That’s it!

[circularroom.livejournal.com]

Wow! that does clear it up! Thanks! Good thing god doesn't actually hate gays- I knew that sodom and gomorrah thing had to have a rational explanation.
PS: I love it when people say "those two are gay - but not with each other" I think it sounds funny :)

[okwatanzinone.livejournal.com]

Are we still cool with oral? I wouldn't want to upset the lord or anything...

[brdgt.livejournal.com]

Oh jeez, I don't think God is clear on that one. I mean, he clearly says: "The penis is for going in (and out) of the vagina. And for peeing your name in the snow. That's it!" He says nothing about the penis going in a mouth!

On the other hand, he says nothing about the purpose of the vagina, so lesbians and some straight men should be ok.

[okwatanzinone.livejournal.com]

Either way it turns out god is a lot more liberal that I'd expected.

And I love that you used "some" straight men. Like they're a minority or something.

[ex-hellocth126.livejournal.com]

Maybe she was referencing the fact that there are, incredibly, straight guys out there who won't go down on a woman? Which in my opinion more than a little endangers your straight cardholder status, but... yeah.

[ex-hellocth126.livejournal.com]

I'm glad God's cool with gays, but that guy needs to get drunk at a Rocky Horror afterparty and liven up his sex life. For the guy who invented the platypus, he has a very limited imagination when it comes to the wide range of applications one can employ a penis for.