brdgt: (I Know by cannons_fan)
[personal profile] brdgt
Inspired by a recent conversation with [ profile] loreofcure I've been thinking about how one of the things about planning a second wedding after divorce is realizing how our culture is so ashamed of divorce.

People seem shocked that I happily admit that I've done this all before - should I sound bitter? Should I pretend it didn't happen? Should I pretend that I'm not infinitely happier now and that divorce was ultimately a good thing for me?

Half of American marriages end in divorce - why do we pretend like it doesn't happen?

It would be healthier if we were less ashamed and more proud - that experience made me who I am and I'm happier with myself than I've ever been. Why should I be ashamed of surviving that, learning from it, and being more sure of myself and what I want from a relationship?

Also, god help me if someone buys us picture frames as a wedding gift.

Date: 2014-04-24 08:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yep, it's all a learning process, and we get better at it as we go.

That's well worth being proud of, and doing it again, even better, is an accomplishment!

Date: 2014-04-25 07:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I've become such a huge believer in self-discovery through suffering (what up, Buddha) because guess what? There's just no escaping heart ache; this includes divorce. It includes illness. It includes any sort of major suck. Or minor suck. Or moderate to severe.

And I still think of that amazing Facebook group: "Bridget's divorce was the best thing to happen to my social life."

Date: 2014-04-28 07:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Reminds me of [ profile] linaerys's recent, thoughtful musings on how "beauty is in the striving."

Date: 2014-04-28 05:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I was really really really unsure about mike and if he would even want to get married again after his divorce, but we talked about it (GASP), and he was *totally* into it. If I were to examine myself with honesty, I would have to confess that my insecurity on that point had more to do with MY OWN issues with marriage, and nothing at ALL to do with his.

Date: 2014-04-28 07:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Nick was similarly concerned that I would not want to get married again, but yes, after, gasp, a conversation, it was all cleared up. I am very thankful that he does not see being my second husband negatively - for example, that I've already been through a wedding - he doesn't see that as ruining our wedding experience as special and unique.

Date: 2014-05-12 06:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I meant to reply to this awhile ago but life got in the way...

I appreciate people getting married the second time even more because they have LIVED that shit and survived. And they presumably have learned and grown and have experience and perspective.. Something many people who are in their first "real" relationship don't have. And they know what or is to go through all that pain but still love enough to risk it. Its admirable, not scornful IMHO.

Date: 2014-05-01 10:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
It's funny -- we don't have this same stigma about our unmarried exes, and surviving those kinds of breakups. Surviving a divorce is almost like another level -- you should be MORE proud, because it's like playing life on a higher difficulty setting.


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